


Self-control

by FreeShavocadoo



Category: HiGH&LOW (Movies), HiGH&LOW: the Story of S.W.O.R.D. (TV)
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Multi, Somewhat Graphic Violence, Trans Male Character, kind of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 16:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15416853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreeShavocadoo/pseuds/FreeShavocadoo
Summary: *A counterpart to 'New Employment'*Ranmaru's perspective on his relationship with Hirai and Takano after his imprisonment.





	Self-control

Prison was an inevitability in a certain line of work or a particular lifestyle, usually catering to those who had been dumped on the street by society and left to fend for themselves. Ranmaru thinks that it is only natural for a caged animal to act like a caged animal. The prospect of being locked in a room was never particularly a hard one for Ranmaru to swallow, being too aware that his behaviour was hardly going to land him many other places.

 _You live by the sword,_ he thinks, _you die by it_.

What he was less prepared for was the prospect of having people to leave behind. His first experience of being incarcerated in his early teens was nothing to him, having barely lived in one place for longer than a month before he was caught bottling a man across the face for calling him a beggar. Apparently he lost all of his front teeth. The thought makes Ranmaru smile a little, reminiscing. At that time, juvenile detention facilities were the least of his worries, finding the endless talks about ‘turning your life around’ fruitless and hilarious, wondering how anyone could assume a violent offender at the age of 14 isn’t already set in their ways, isn’t already a victim of societies doing. His second stay in a cell was only overnight, having been caught in another fight, although this time he had been apprehended before any actual damage had been inflicted. Luckily for his opponent, anyway. The way the police had looked at him just indulged his violent thoughts, making him wonder how he’s _not_ supposed to talk with his fists when these people take one look at him and assume they know him.

The third time, when he’s sent to Rasen, is different. By the time he’s actually in prison, it’s like everything he missed in the fight has caught up with him. Takano had told him that he’s got dangerous tunnel vision in a fight and Ranmaru had always laughed, telling him that he doesn’t have tunnel vision, it’s just that the only colour he sees is red. That much was true, when he sat in his cell all he could see was red, all over his hands and his arms. Then all he can see is Hirai’s face, like a memory that had only just cleared from fog, he sees him properly. Ranmaru is sinking the glass into one of the White Rascals’ back, until he looks up. Hirai, for the first time since Ranmaru had met him, looked terrified. Thinking about that memory, surrounded by four walls, Ranmaru loses himself to his thoughts, wondering what else he’d missed. Takano’s shock and disbelief written all over his face when the police drag him off, the way he stares as though trying his hardest to come up with some way, _any_ way to get them all out of it. Ranmaru wonders if they actually miss him. This thought alone is enough to make him completely lost and stuck in his own head, only this time he’s alone to deal with it.

When the time comes to step foot outside of Rasen, Ranmaru can hardly gulp in enough of the outside air, completely oblivious and uncaring of the multiple faceless people covered in Doubt’s black. All he can see is Takano and Hirai. They’ve not changed much, although there are a few noticeable changes. Hirai’s hair now has small silver streaks, succeeding in making him look even more harmless, Ranmaru thinks, even if it suits him. Takano’s hair is now cropped shorter and is bleached. Ranmaru notes that Takano wouldn’t have the patience for such a thing, meaning it was most likely Hirai who did this for him. The thought makes him jealous until he sees the small chain still around Hirai’s neck, a perfect replica of his own. Thankfully when he’d been handed clothes before he left Rasen, his own necklace was with his clothes and a new fur coat. It’s too soft, Ranmaru thinks, not damaged enough yet, but he likes the colour. It has Takano’s influence written all over it. He does know Ranmaru too well, after all.

“Welcome back.” Hirai is the first to speak, naturally, smiling almost shyly. He looks uncertain, but steps forward to link Ranmaru’s arm in his own anyway and visibly glows when Ranmaru offers him a kiss on the head, tightening his arms grip around Ranmaru’s one arm.

“You look good.” Takano stares, his gaze penetrating as usual, Ranmaru smiling at the baritone delivery.

“I’m glad I look good for you.” Ranmaru replies, smirking and walking with Hirai hanging off his side, caring little for the disgusted stares of the prison guards who let him walk by, though not without curling their lips. Ranmaru can tell some of the men Takano and Hirai have brought are probably just as surprised by the open display of him and Hirai being affectionate, probably having heard rumours but not believing them.

 _Let them think whatever they fucking want_ , Ranmaru thinks, _none of them are worth a damn to me anyway._

 

* * *

 

 

Hirai seems to be shaking with unabashed excitement, barely waiting for Ranmaru to sit down before he jumps onto his lap, curling up like a cat near a source of heat. Ranmaru allows himself a few seconds to just appreciate contact with someone else after so long, contact that isn’t violent. Hirai squirms under his touch with a big grin on his face, tucking his hands under Ranmaru’s fur coat, resting his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder.

“Miss me, little one?” He teases, tickling under Hirai’s chin and laughing when Hirai squirms more violently, still grinning and nodding furiously. He moves forward so quickly to kiss Ranmaru that Ranmaru is thankful the chair is sturdy otherwise he’s certain he’d be on his back right now. Hirai doesn’t seem particularly bothered, pulling away with flushed cheeks and twinkling eyes.

 _He didn’t look like that when he saw you last time_ he thinks. _When he looked at you and saw the monster that everyone else thinks is under their bed._

“What’s wrong?” Takano’s voice brings him back to reality, a look of concern making his eyebrows furrow.

 _You both hate me_ he wants to say, _you’re both better off without me. But I’m selfish._

“Nothing.” He replies instead, letting Hirai’s breathing distract him, the soft lull of movement against him as Hirai tucks his head near Ranmaru’s neck, sighing happily. Takano nods but Ranmaru knows him well enough to see that he knows a lie when he hears it, even if he does just sit down on the couch opposite to them with a neutral expression.

The softness of Hirai’s hands sends Ranmaru’s head spiralling, letting his eyes slide shut as Hirai’s fingers move up the back of his shirt, just tracing patterns onto his back. The way Hirai’s arms are around him makes his chest tighten, the affectionate touches more so.

 _He’s not innocent,_ Ranmaru thinks. _But you’re definitely not good for him._

“Ranmaruuuu.” Hirai whines, tightening his grip around Ranmaru’s waist, “what is it?”

He knows now that there is little point in lying if even Hirai can ignore his own urges to notice something is amiss. Takano stares with curiosity but doesn’t press the matter, only making Ranmaru feel the unfamiliar twist of guilt in his stomach. Again.

“I had a lot of time to think.” Ranmaru sighs, never comfortable with sharing much of anything, even with the two people he arguably trusted most, “I know you were both scared, that day. That you were scared of me and what I was capable of.”

Before Hirai attempts to interrupt, Ranmaru moves a finger up to his lips and gives him a firm but softened stare.

“I’d told you what I was like when we’d met,” Ranmaru notices the way Takano seems to stare into space, like he was also imagining their first few encounters, “but you actually saw it. I think that you both didn’t actually consider that I was capable of those things. That scares _me_.”

“You’re an idiot.” Takano huffs, Ranmaru’s eyes widening momentarily before narrowing, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh?” He replies, giving Takano a rather unamused stare.

“He’s right,” Hirai sings into Ranmaru’s neck, laughing a little, “you _are_ an idiot.”

The room is still and for a moment, Ranmaru is curious as to why the urge to throw Hirai off his lap and punch Takano’s teeth out hasn’t arisen. Were it anyone else, they’d already have been steamrolled over, injured beyond good repair. Hirai looks very amused with himself, doing what he usually does when he knows he’s treading on dangerous ground and mustering up his sweetest smile. Takano looks relaxed, slouched back on the couch and waiting patiently before resuming.

“We knew what you were capable of.” He says, glancing at Hirai and back at Ranmaru again, “we just hadn’t yet seen the consequences catch up with us all.”

Ranmaru isn’t sure what to say, so he stays quiet, not quite knowing how to convey his appreciation that they were more concerned about him having been put away than his actions, though he is glad that they don’t tell him that it’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, Ranmaru knows his behaviour is abnormal and extreme- he just can’t control it. He’s better, though, with Takano and Hirai. But that doesn’t abolish years of learned behaviour.

“You’re going soft!” Hirai giggles, biting his lip before wrapping his arms around Ranmaru’s neck and whining, “I miss your leather pants!”

Ranmaru huffs quietly but can’t hold back the fond smile, never able to keep up a scowl around Hirai for too long. Whilst he’s aware Hirai is unbearable to be around for the average person, being too whiny, too bratty and loving to push people’s buttons, Ranmaru finds it endearing. Behind his bratty behaviour is a need for attention, behind his whining is a hatred for not being noticed. Ranmaru can truly _know_ Hirai and for these very reasons can do little else but love him, in his own way.

Takano on the other hand, was just as closed off as Ranmaru. Even if Ranmaru liked a challenge, he has to admit Takano is the biggest one he’s faced yet. For every layer he peeled back, another was firmly plastered over its place, each one becoming more difficult to remove. Though, Ranmaru had told him once, if something takes this much effort to coerce, it probably doesn’t need sharing. He understands Takano’s reservations with people better than anyone, the need to put up ten walls in case someone smashes one down. Ranmaru is aware that he’s hardly easy to love, so it’s much easier to love Takano than it is to love himself.

 

* * *

 

 

_Everything in the room is cast in a red light, dancing across every surface, enveloping it. Not that Ranmaru can focus on anything in the room with Takano standing in front of him. Hirai stands behind him, slowly moving Takano’s shirt over his head with startling ease, keeping one hand on Takano’s back, aware Takano likes him to maintain physical contact when he’s vulnerable like this. Ranmaru can barely take in enough of the air, swallowing thick and fast, not wanting to blink in case he misses anything. Whilst Ranmaru himself prefers the lingering touches, the ones that leave marks, the ones that imprint, he knows Takano has already known enough damage from touch and marks. So he bears that in mind when he allows his hands to run over Takano’s stomach, up his back, over his chest. Even if he lingers over the scars, its only because he can’t help himself. Because he loves every inch of Takano, especially his scars. Bruised knuckles, split lips, black eyes, they were so fickle in comparison to this. So meaningless, without purpose. Ranmaru would take Takano’s beautiful body over the sting in his own knuckles any day. Hirai’s hands loop around Takano’s waist, reaching upwards to rest over Ranmaru’s own hands and Ranmaru hears Takano’s soft sigh, the way he stares like he’s completely vulnerable to every touch they give and Ranmaru doesn’t intend to take any of that for granted. So he doesn’t._

 

* * *

“I’m tired.” Takano sighs, standing up slowly and stretching. “I’m going to bed.”

“Clearly what my beloved Faberge-chan means is that _we’re_ going to bed.” Hirai sniggers at his own joke, preening when Ranmaru exhales heavier than usual, nuzzling his head into Ranmaru’s neck happily. “Carry me?”

“You’re such a princess.” Ranmaru shakes his head, but as usual, finds himself complying. Hirai is light in his arms, curled towards him with a look of utter adoration and affection, squealing happily when Ranmaru kisses his head and twirls him a couple of times before beginning to walk up the stairs slowly, taking care not to bang Hirai’s head on the railing.

By the time he’s manoeuvred Hirai into bed, Takano is already waiting, lay comfortably under the duvet. As soon as Ranmaru strips and settles down beside him, Hirai attaches himself to Ranmaru’s other side, wrapped around him like ivy. Takano just kisses Ranmaru’s hand, content with just being able to lie and see him there, to hold his hand. Even though Ranmaru is restless and wants to just do something, anything, he stays completely still.

Let it not be said Ranmaru Hayashi doesn’t have **some** semblance of self-control.    

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so, interesting characters to write about.


End file.
